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...There’s
nothing that I would call ordinary audition about this at all. It
doesn’t really…It’s a curious thing that will be very difficult to
explain. Somebody asked me, “Was it as though your hand was
moving?” No. I wrote perfectly voluntarily in response
to…I call it a voice, but “a voice” has sounds...or sounds as
though it has something to do with hearing. And I didn’t hear
anything. I think it’s the sort of hearing that you can’t really
describe. It doesn’t have anything to do with ears, or waves hitting a
drum or anything on that order. I don’t really know, I think
maybe I’m using the wrong word when I say “hear.” I sort of
recognized it, it was very rapid, I could even....if I didn’t catch a
phrase, I could sort of say, “Would you mind doing that again?”
...this was strictly mental. Otherwise I would consider it
hallucinatory activity. I don’t feel it was that.
...It wasn’t my voice. It couldn’t have been because it talked
about a whole area with which I am entirely unfamiliar.
...I think “knew” may be a better word than “heard.” I did
not know consciously at the beginning of the sentence how it was going
to end. And that puts me under a further handicap in terms of
ordinary language. Because ordinarily, I think, if you’re going
to say a sentence you know what it’s going to be, you sort of get the
Gestalt immediately. But I didn’t. And it came very
easily, very rapidly, very smoothly. I guess even painlessly,
except that it annoyed me to death, but that’s irrelevant. I
guess “hear” isn’t the right word. I could stop anytime or
pick it up anytime, and I did it in cabs and subways and anywhere, or
sort of between telephone calls.
...The only curious thing that I do know, and this is curious, I am used
to doing pretty much what I want to. And I do make my own
decisions. But for some reason or other it never occurred to me
not to do this. I thought that this should be done. I made
every effort to keep it without me. I did not want to intrude on it.
And I felt that it was a matter of personal integrity not to. I
really did not interfere with it. I think the thing that I found
upsetting about it was that it went against everything I believe, which
is very hard to do. But...I felt it was much more important.
I know what I believe, but I didn’t know what this was going to do
next. And I was very pleased with its coherence, and with its
being very consistent, which is something I would regard as a mandatory
criterion. It read very well. And I know the pain with which
I manage to get something to read halfway as well as that, which is very
agonizing. And this came out very quickly. It talked about a
system I don’t know anything about, and confused me no end.
I’m still cross-eyed.
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